Clarkson, Hammond and May are coming to Poland!

Unfortunately, the title doesn’t mean that I really have a great news. Those three great presenters may come to Poland only through our imagination, so far, with a little help of Insignis Publishing House. There was a competition where you could win your personal copy of Richard Porter’s book signed by the Author. What you had to do was to prepare an outline of the screenplay, which might have encouraged the Amazon’s team to visit Poland. I won, so I would like to show my ideas to the readers around the world. So…let’s start:
Jeremy Clarkson stands by the Mercedes W124 or W201 and he stars his monologue:
Polish people are the new Germans.
No. Dear German People. It doesn’t mean that you should dispose your eastern neighbors to use your language while you are visiting them with the sounds of “The ride of the Valkyries” and MP40 rifle. What I want to say is the fact that polish workers are becoming the masters of the car production. If you like Opel go to Poland. Your car….”
Probably rolls of the production line there – Richard Hammond ends above sentence, while driving an Opel Astra. I would say more – Polish workers are giving the final quality for a few important German cars.
and even Italian too – James Mays adds while getting off the Fiat 500.
After this short conversation presenters receive orders from producers. James and Richard will visit the factory of FIAT in Tychy and Gliwice and they will become a new production line workers to find out the secret of the Polish quality. And Jeremy will set off on a long journey through Poland to complete two tasks. First one – he will try to find an answer to the question: why the land of the great car workers does not have its own strong car brand. Second one – he will choose the best car which will be adequate to the race against Abarth based on the FIAT 500 and Opel/Vauxhall Astra GTC OPC.
Jeremy’s journey starts in Wejherowo, where he can meet with the creators of the pre war CWS T1 replica. The toolset needed to repair the original CWS included just two tools: a screwdriver and a bilateral fork spanner.
After that Jeremy is going to the Automotive Museum in Warsaw (Filtrowa street) where he can watch the models form PRL period. He also meets there some people who work on the Polish supercar – Arrinera Hussarya. But finally he chooses other car to compete with Opel and FIAT – Syrena Meluzyna R
The place where the race is held is the Kielce Racing Track (Tor Kielce). Before the start, presenters watch the drift presented by Bartosz Ostałowski – the only drift racer in the world who can drive a car operating both steering wheel and pedals with his legs and Adam Zalewski, who was the master of the drift while he was 12 year old.
The contest between Jeremy, Richard and James is fierce, especially on the forest part of the track. After passing the race marshal at the finish line, they say some important things about the qualities of their cars. They are also surprised with what they see some meters further. The loop of the circuit doesn’t close. Unfortunately – drivers are still waiting for the bypass road which will help to continue the race and use the whole loop.
Well…it explains so much, if we think about the approach of the authorities towards the automotive culture – Jeremy concludes.

(C) by Andrzej Szczodrak



Okay then, so what should Netflix do?


In the wake of the event that led the BBC to fire Jeremy Clarkson, Netflix tried to sign him and his two co-hosts , Richard Hammond and James May, who quit alongside Clarkson’s firing, but it lost the competition to Amazon. Now, although Netflix has a license for BBC’s Top Gear, some motoring enthusiasts may expect the company to create a show with Tiff Needell and Vicki Butler-Henderson from the cancelled Fifth Gear. Such a decision could be great for people who are really interested in cars and motorbikes.

But would a company like Netflix prepare a show aimed at motoring geeks? I’m afraid not. People watch Tiff Needell’s reviews to learn how good a car is but they switch to Clarkson to feel how cool would they be in the car. And in television we have a place where feelings are more important than knowledge.

Competition between the BBC and Amazon Prime will bring us emotions. Most of those emotions are associated with the question: can a motoring show can go any further than “Top Gear” made by the Great Trio and Andy Wilman. Can it?

Well, why not? But it may involve going one step further than having fun in the best new cars. Maybe we should explore automotive and motorcycle oddities in a more active way than the Fast N’ Loud: Demolition Theater.

Perhaps we could make presenters go to Russia and try to record their own Russian dashcam movie. It would also be nice to find a garage-made vehicle with the most controversial design. Tip: check out the Golba Violcar-S.
Okay, let’s go back to the best cars for a moment. Just to meet the TaxTheRich100 team.

But again: you don’t need extremely expensive vechicles. This Polish stunt driver stands on his head while riding a scooter:

And this reminds us that Sébastien Loeb started his sports career as a gymnast. How hard is it for gymnasts to learn motorcycle stunts? This question can make a nice movie.
As we talk about stunt driving, let’s try to reproduce Giorgi Tevzadze’s movies with professionals in simulated road traffic. It’s the only way to measure proportions between talent and madness in Georgi’s way of driving.

Oh, in some countries everyday traffic is like performing a stunt. Take a look at Indian roads:

And if such oddities are not enough, let’s collect some movies with the weirdest car or motorbike repairs and modifications. There are more people like this drifter-to-be who showed his welded differential:

http://www.wiocha.pl/317809,Chcial-sie-nauczyc-driftu

Unfortunately, many of these people don’t manage to make their vehicles utterly useless. Well, okay, my wish doesn’t concern bōsōzoku people, who do crazy, yet interesting things.

Italian film directors Gualtiero Jacopetti and Paolo Cavara made a documentary entitled Mondo Cane, showing odd human behaviour from all over the world. So, the motoring show based on a similar idea could be named “Moto Cane”.

Thanks to Clarkson, his colleagues and his followers, we have seen so much spectacular action with cars and motorbikes in TV. But again: can we go a step further? We Cane.

(C) by Andrzej Szczodrak



What “The Grand Tour” needs is The Wild Racing Champion

formula

The idea of The Stig is genius but it has one, almost unnoticeable, flaw.

The Stig is a tame racing driver (TM?).

Wait for a moment … tame?! Oh, come on. Just tell me, how being a tame can make a masked driver different from all the contemporary sportsmen.

The “Where Did It All Go Wrong Mr Best?” stories became rarer and rarer. Especially, do you know a driver who would be called “a modern James Hunt”?

Surroundings of racing also changed a lot. It’s forbidden to advertise cigarettes. It’s very difficult to advertise alcohol. Okay, smoking is unhealthy and you really should not drive under influence. But nobody forces you to buy and use things just because they are advertised. Rallies in the Group B era were full of tobacco and alcohol logos. Nowadays, health is promoted or actually … do you think that drinking some vermouth from time to time harms you more than using energy drinks on regular basis?

Moreover, rally and racing drivers are requested or even required to participate in FIA campaigns for road safety. While it’s really ok to convince people that they should hold the steering wheel properly and fasten their seatbelts, we also see the fastest drivers on Earth advocating current speed limits. While, in fact, they should advise road authorities on how to find the balance between speed and safety.

So, I would like “The Grand Tour” to use a character, who is going to be found in Argentinian jungle (because of his origin, he may be a little agressive towards his colleagues). The character can be named “Wild Racing Champion”. I use the word “racing” on purpose. Some years ago, it was more popular among drivers, to participate both in track races and rallies. So, the abbreviation “WRC” means, that our character doesn’t mind driving on gravel much more often than The Stig, while the word “racing” is a sign, that he is also a blast on the track.

Well, he can maintain traction as if he used a special glue, despite having gluten, glucose and cholesterol in his blood. Referencing the B Group era, full of alcohol and cigarette advertisement, he wears a racing suit with statements like “I love Coffee and Cigarettes” written on it. Asked to answer why, he will say, that the statement actually refers to Jim Jarmusch’s movie.

Yes, the Wild Racing Champion is able to speak. His PR Manager left his job after being compared to Oedipus the King. To put it simply, the poor PR manager has been called “a motherf…”.

After revealing that, I must finish my description of the Wild Racing Champion, as I have been bitten by some racer.

Now, I am going to a local karting track, hoping that the racer was radioactive.

(C) by Andrzej Szczodrak